Pressure on ME !!

Next round . . . another step of hard hitting self reversing and up side downs to start of what’s gonna be a new step in life. Painful as it goes, there’s a saying that you’ll be able to conquesr the world once you’ve known who you are . . . well…lets just hope this is the start of me conquering the world :P

Ok…ok….enough intermezzo . . . well…pressure ehh… again . . . please do not ask how I knew I was suffering from this . . . damn . . . I curse myself for forgetting why I had these in the beginning . . . the process of recalling and reminiscing is just too long . . . not to mention painful in some occasions. But . . it’s gotta be done little by little . . .

Fiuuhh . . . I just kinda think that I often freak out whenever things go out of my reach or what I intended. It often happened way back in my days when I once came back to Indo after years of living abroad. The sheer life of typical Indonesians that was full of pressure, unorder and quick pace really fuzzed out my brain. End result . . . it then caused me to forget the necessary things that I had to remember when time called upon it. As I grew, I trained myself not only to deal with it, but also to put some countermeasure towards it. Though till this very moment, I’m still struggling to overcome this horrible habit, some measures have succeeding in at least lessening the negative impact. It just needs continuous practice and self adapting in order to have any good effects.

What have I done? Hmmm . . . . as far as I remember, I tried to be somewhat ignorant. I know it sounds kinda bad or something, but this really I fact has aided me in un-worrying about the unnecessary aspects of my life. But then, in any further writings later on, this too has brought upon me several side effects that also contribute to my major bad habit. Next . . . in conjunction to this step, writing down a plan has also helped me in putting all into proper order. Hence, I wouldn’t have to worry too much on any future uncertainties. Last . . . is to forecast any potential and possible outcomes of what I might end up doing or experiencing. Hey . . . I realize that my steps above might seem somewhat too uptight and strict. By doing so, I do admit that all those above still needs some polishing, but in the mean while . . . all is good mate .

Aside any personal side effects above mentioned, I guess the only challenge for me is to learn not to freak out on any future unwanted conditions that I might face. Usually, it all happened due to my lack of life experiences that I ought to have. Hence, I should by now learn all the important things on life. Such kinda things can’t be learnt thru colleges and schools, but often must be experienced first hand.

By enriching ourselves, we can then learn to overcome the sensation of being under pressure and live a more carefree life. I just ought to remember, pressures, whatever and how it would be, will always exist in life. But how we deal and cope with it, determines the quality on how we live our life. It’s about juggling the ups and downs in life that we are able to enjoy things as they are . . . 

Introvert

New year . . . no hopes . . . and new resolutions . . . they say . . . thinking of that, it makes me wonder whether do I have one?Well . . . I know that these kinda things don’t have to wait for new years to come, but its just that recent events have caused me to think and consider on several matters, when if not settled or at least given a thought to begin with, would linger on in my life as a fatal problem.

Nggg….ok . . . the first problem….as stated on the title. Yeah….its something that I’ve suffered . . . or in proper terms . . . been doing all my life. I can’t recall when this sensation happened, but if I were asked a period in my life, I guess it was around my years in Singapore, around my middle primary school days. Why it happen….hell yeah that’s another hard question. But a good one to begin with as it’ll start of to undo this particular issue of myself.

Maybe . . . it all was because I had friends that were kinda outgoing . . . able to speak out anythings in their heads. I could have followed suit myself, but as I tried over the years, it just felt not for me. The sensation that speaking anything randomly and promptly was really out of my mind as I thought words would be better of thought first and to be listened and given a consideration. At first, I thought myself as a shy boy . . . but then as age passed, it’s not what I thought it was.

Years went by, many things I’ve experienced and faced, how react and consider all of them eventually gave me a knowing of what I was. Though I was in denial to really admit I was having this thing, it took me some while to finally embrace and accept what I am right now. Before, it just felt really embarrassing and annoying, knowing others could just sprout out words and find friends in an instance. For me. . . . it was the whole opposite, time consuming and often . . . beating round the bush.

Despite the efforts to join various outside activities, it still stayed and took the best of me. Eventually causing me to fail slowly in some areas where I thought it would be my destiny. That time . . . . it took a toll on me as I felt down and deemed myself as nothing but a worthless thing. Time passed on . . . it still stayed . . . however, it took a certain event or happening for me to finally realise in mind on how to harness it.

My move overseas was one major step to accumulate and harness what I had to my fullest potential. At first, what I did really didn’t got me as I did things for what I had to do. But later on, it turned out what I have been doing was slowly done by harnessing this one thing that I once hated, despised and detested into something that would in one way or another . . . save me from the ravages of life.

Nevertheless, with this realization, I still need to further harness it properly, and use it when really needed. Relying on it every moment wouldn’t do me any good as the world is not for people like me. Every once in a while, I need to get out of the box, seek out new adventures and challenge my inner self to survive . . . exist and show my worth as a man. By challenging new things, I can learn to get outta my comfort zone, learn to practice life skills and knowledge, and furthermore, gaining life links for future reference. Before I moved abroad, such thing was really unthinkable, but after moving, it proved me a life time experience.

But ending my journey . . . or to be precise . . . I’ve ended my journey, the various life options ahead of me are really uneasy. Each one of them has their plus and minuses. Either way, I would be forced to consistently step out of my box to face the harshness of this world. The only difference would be that one option would be in advantage of money . . . that’s all. End note . . . to continuously position our self in a challenging situation would push ourselves to our maximum potential. But in the same time . . . keeping our inner consciousness and consideration are equally important to not get lost in the never ending law of the jungle.

Determination

How serious could you be…?

Last part of the series. And to be honest, I guess this is the crucious part of my 5 problems.

Mungkin kalo bahasa kerennya…gimana sih caranya istiqomah???Ah…maybe kaya gtu bahasanya, esensinya gtu deh. Gimana caranya biar dapat langgeng dalam bersikap dan berpola piker terhadap suatu hal. Engga gampang apalagi klo dah berurusan ama pilihan dan prinsip hidup.

Mungkin aja kali….diperlukan suatu target hidup yang bersifat komprehensif, mulai dari yang jangka pendek, menengah dan kemudian panjang….maybe lho….why I say maybe?well…its just that im pretty much clueless….

I’ve thought on that before…but it just seems to be done half assed…I go astray in the middle of the road.So I guess….there must be that very something that we need to keep ourselves determined to the very end…whatever that might be.

Or is determination not a something that is isolated but an amalgamation of reasons,passion,pace, and motivation?If so…I should have found my determination by now…but yet…still I haven’t had the slightest clue or signs of it….

Overall….I guess I’m on the never ending quest to find my determination. And if I find it…its gonna be a battle of strengthening and maintaining it to the very end of my life, whatever the cost is….

Pace

How fast would you go…?

Next stuff…pacing things. How would you pace yourself in life, and in times of need?
For everything we do, there’s a certain speed on our activities. How slow or quick we do it often determines the excitement and enjoyment we do it. This degree would certainly vary across people. But pace definitely is required to spice our lives up.
I’ve been thinking lately…how is my pace of life?Enough, inadequate or even need to slow things down?For some things, I believe I still lack the pace like in studying. But even I feel that I have to much pace (for that certain something that your in a hiatus now:P). The balancing of pace for each of our activities sure does need carefull thinking and decision.

Ever since my last vacation, I’ve always felt, not only I lack the previous three points, but also this one. Eventhough I have made truce with myself on the first three, finding back my pace isn’t an easy task. Like a car after it’s been shut down, it needs some heating to make it run faster.However in my condition….I wonder if heating up would do the job.

With heaps of study and work here and there, I wonder how I can get into things with minimal time to heat myself up. Time is precious and therefore I’ve gotta find a way to be in the mood to do things I have to. Or else….I’m gonna be running out of time….
My thoughts….Well…I’m thinking of exhausting every resource I have to get myself paced up. Therefore, it would save time so that I don’t have to do something completely new to gear up myself. It might sound boring, but honestly…there’s not much feasible choices out there . So…just gotta endure the pain till the very end I guess.

Well…a few bits of surprises won’t do any harm I guess. But having to many surprises would surely ruin the pace that I need right now to finish my needs. So then again, Its all back to balancing everything so that my pace doesn’t get ruined by unnecessary stuffs….

Passion

How would you keep youself alight…?

This is still a continuation of the last two blogs, and it will go on…until I’ve found answers…

Ever thought what makes you alight and eager to face the world and reality?There can be many kinds of things, may it be reasons, hobbies, and all sorts of things. It’s always something that is special to each person. Something unique that a person has for themselves.

With this, a person would face reality and the world in eager and passionate about it. Any hardships or troubles would not be a problem if someone is always passionate about their self and the doings. Those two things would only fire up ones passion to even put themselves on a more higher groubd then ever before.
But then…what if you’ve lost that passion…?It would not be a mere problem of lost motivation, but its as if you have lost the eagerness and self fire to keep things going. Even if there is motivation, but without passion, its would be just like doing things but wiyhout any will.

Therefore…I’ve been wondering…what is my passion?Reminiscing back through my years, I’ve always yearned to find my passion. Be it on my own religion, anime, manga, computers, stamps and anything. But then…Until now, they all seem fruitless to keep me passionate on life.

Recent contemplations has forced me to again seek my passion on life. As time goes by, I’ve decided to stop my flow of time for the moment and try to look back on what has kept me to this point. It has worked and resulted in a temporarily condition….go all of those things …one by one…and try to get the feel of all of what you have experienced up to this point. Seeking a new passion would be good. But then…If you have lost your older ones that have accompanied you through the ups and downs…whats the meaning…Its like discarding something old but with memories for something that is new but unable to give you a clear picture on what you will be facing.

One thing is…its not a problem to stop and look back. Try to savor the moments that have kept you passionate and at the same moment, always try to seek that something to complete yourself….

Motivation

What drives you until now…?

Another question that still lingers round my head. Similar to my previous blog, only this time, its all bout my driving force that have led me until this very second.
Regardless of my reason to be here in Perth, I’ve always strived the very best to keep myself motivated. The first semester succeded somehow. Maybe it was due to the strong sense of survival that engulfed me back then. But the time here has made me kinda soft. The sense of survival has long been lost and here I am lost finding something that can motivate myself.

Back then in Indonesia, the thought of getting lost coz of the lack of motivation was almost nonsense. With the abundant form of motivation, I was always in the mood of inspiration there. But here…things have gotten way tough. Its not like you cannot motivate urself here, its just that you’ve gotta struggle to do that.

With the limited resources here, keeping urself motivated here is like keeping a fire on but with just few fire wood. I’ve collected some potential things that could keep me motivated, but it seems that all those things just cannot fulfil my hunger for inspiration to keep me motivated.

Without the fire to keep myself motivated here, it seems everything goes on without emotion. As if I’m just a robot doing as it is told. As if I’m just something that is void of emotions. Asif there is no spirit to keep me go in life….

Its not like I’ve done nothing to solve this. Its just that keeping the spirit to keep urself motivated is a winding road itself, full of ups and downs. And with all the limitations u’ve got here, I guess the only way out is to feel gratefull to urself. Gratefull to the fact that U’ve made it this far, gratefull to the fact that u still have stuffs to fill ur life, regardless I like it or not. But then again, even though I can act this way, I wonder how long I can stay in that moment….?

Reasons

Why am I here…?

Pertanyaan ini belakangan mengemuka di benakku. Entah kenapa begitu, tapi hal ini telah mendobrak kenyamanan yang mulai kurasakan sejak menetap di Perth. Bahwa aq ada disini untuk melanjutkan kuliah S2 ku merupakan suatu hal yang jelas. Namun pertanyaan diatas membuatku harus kembali merenungkan kembali mengapa aq sampai harus menempuh kuliah S2 segala…

Diminta orang tua?Well…that’s what I first thought years ago when I was finishing my bachelors. Ketika itu, aq hanya perlu melakukan ini untuk memuaskan keinginan ortu. Juga keinginan mereka untuk mampu membanggakan seseuatu dihadapan koleganya. Pretty messed up but that’s what I really thought back then.

Times passed and I finished my bachelors. It was here on that I finally thought…”Hey…kul S2 lagi g jelek juga..”. Pikiranku ktika itu juga diliputi oleh suatu perasaan menyesal yang amat. Penyesalam yang terjadi karena tidak mampu memanfaatkan masa 4,5 tahun kuliahku dengan sungguh2. Jadilah aku berpikir untuk memanfaatkan masa kuliah S2 ku untuk menebus waktuku yang hilang. Juga untuk memantapkan kembali segala sesuatu yang telah kudapatkan sejauh itu.

Sampai semester pertamaku dsini, that reason remained. But just recently I’ve felt really inconvenient about that fact. Aku kembali berpikir…cukupkah alasan itu demi keberadaanku dsini?Seberapa lamakah alasan itu akan bertahan didalam diriku?Tidak adakah suatu alasan yang lebih mulia demi keberadaanku disini….:-?

Dibutuhkannya suatu alasan adalah demi landasan atas segala sesuatu yang akan dilakukan sekarang dan untuk masa depan. With the fact that I’m doubting again those reasons, I again feel insecure about what kind of future I’m pursuing….

Then again…was it just for fame, regrets, passion, lust, greed, pride or some other miscellaneous reasons. Wallahu alam. But if I don’t rediscover it, who knows what future would await me…..