Introvert

New year . . . no hopes . . . and new resolutions . . . they say . . . thinking of that, it makes me wonder whether do I have one?Well . . . I know that these kinda things don’t have to wait for new years to come, but its just that recent events have caused me to think and consider on several matters, when if not settled or at least given a thought to begin with, would linger on in my life as a fatal problem.

Nggg….ok . . . the first problem….as stated on the title. Yeah….its something that I’ve suffered . . . or in proper terms . . . been doing all my life. I can’t recall when this sensation happened, but if I were asked a period in my life, I guess it was around my years in Singapore, around my middle primary school days. Why it happen….hell yeah that’s another hard question. But a good one to begin with as it’ll start of to undo this particular issue of myself.

Maybe . . . it all was because I had friends that were kinda outgoing . . . able to speak out anythings in their heads. I could have followed suit myself, but as I tried over the years, it just felt not for me. The sensation that speaking anything randomly and promptly was really out of my mind as I thought words would be better of thought first and to be listened and given a consideration. At first, I thought myself as a shy boy . . . but then as age passed, it’s not what I thought it was.

Years went by, many things I’ve experienced and faced, how react and consider all of them eventually gave me a knowing of what I was. Though I was in denial to really admit I was having this thing, it took me some while to finally embrace and accept what I am right now. Before, it just felt really embarrassing and annoying, knowing others could just sprout out words and find friends in an instance. For me. . . . it was the whole opposite, time consuming and often . . . beating round the bush.

Despite the efforts to join various outside activities, it still stayed and took the best of me. Eventually causing me to fail slowly in some areas where I thought it would be my destiny. That time . . . . it took a toll on me as I felt down and deemed myself as nothing but a worthless thing. Time passed on . . . it still stayed . . . however, it took a certain event or happening for me to finally realise in mind on how to harness it.

My move overseas was one major step to accumulate and harness what I had to my fullest potential. At first, what I did really didn’t got me as I did things for what I had to do. But later on, it turned out what I have been doing was slowly done by harnessing this one thing that I once hated, despised and detested into something that would in one way or another . . . save me from the ravages of life.

Nevertheless, with this realization, I still need to further harness it properly, and use it when really needed. Relying on it every moment wouldn’t do me any good as the world is not for people like me. Every once in a while, I need to get out of the box, seek out new adventures and challenge my inner self to survive . . . exist and show my worth as a man. By challenging new things, I can learn to get outta my comfort zone, learn to practice life skills and knowledge, and furthermore, gaining life links for future reference. Before I moved abroad, such thing was really unthinkable, but after moving, it proved me a life time experience.

But ending my journey . . . or to be precise . . . I’ve ended my journey, the various life options ahead of me are really uneasy. Each one of them has their plus and minuses. Either way, I would be forced to consistently step out of my box to face the harshness of this world. The only difference would be that one option would be in advantage of money . . . that’s all. End note . . . to continuously position our self in a challenging situation would push ourselves to our maximum potential. But in the same time . . . keeping our inner consciousness and consideration are equally important to not get lost in the never ending law of the jungle.