“....Traps spreading countlessly, make 1 miss and you are dismissed delete....The future moves toward a virtual space, in the end the only certainty is this belief....”
For those of you who think I’m falling apart…for those of you who think I’m in despair…for those of you who think I’m lost…nai…nai…nai…I’m only just taking a brief stop and wondering how and where should I go and step through my life….
I may have yet to find my Raison D’etre here, but I’m getting the feeling of regaining my supposed dream that I have yet to reach. By just remembering that…It seems all my sorrows and despairs are lost by the neverending optimism and courage.
Walopun godaan dating tiap detik untuk tetap mengingat alasan awal itu, aku akhirnya memutuskan untuk lebih memikirkan dirikus sendiri dan apa2 yang bias kuperbuat untuk diriku sendiri…kembali mengorbankan kebahagiaan pribadiku tuk meraih impian dan cita2ku
Mungkin diantara kalian ada yang bertanya kenapa harus mengorbankan kebahagiaan pribadiku…?Itu tidak lain karena adanya suatu kejadian masa lampau yang membuatku harus menebus rasa bersalah itu dan melakukan yang terbaik….walopun bisa dikatakan masih pada yang jalur yang salah…namun demikian…..perenunganku saat itu dan sekarang pun masih memberikan suatu jawaban yang sama….
Bahkan mungkin kecenderungannya aku bakal mulai “sell my soul to the devil”….hahaha….tenang aja kok…engga sebegitu parah seperti yang tertulis….hanya saja bisa jadi aku bakal melakukan hal2 yang sifatnya kejam bagi diri dan prinsipku tuk meraih apa yang kuharapkan….You never know when you would run out of time….so….for the better good….sometimes….no…..often….sacrifices need to be done….and usually its in the form of having to sacrifice our heart and happiness.
Terlepas dari urusan ruwet di paragraf atas….semua ini merupakan upayaku untuk senantiasa menatap masa depan dan melupakan apa2 yang telah lewat. Sekalipun apa2 yang telah lewat itu merupakan suatu kebahagiaan….namun seketika aku merasa belum pantas menikmati hal itu dan aku kembali menjejak bumi tuk melanjutkan upayaq menebus waktu yang hilang dahulu.
Apa2 yang kukatakan bisa jadi mengesankan aku menempatkan diriku pada suatu titik yang ekstrim bila diandaikan pada suatu poros. Hanya saja….selalu memang begitu diriku….engga pernah bisa menempatkan diriku bener2 di tengah….Jadinya seringkali aku berada pada berbagai titik ekstrim. Memang….kejadian saat itu membuatku tersadar akan akan betapa pentingnya keselarasan dalam hidup….dan sejak itu pula aku senantiasa berupaya tuk meraihnya….hanya saja…melihat keadaanku saat ini….sepertinya jalan dan upaya ku masih kurang dan panjang….
Demi waktuku yang hilang….kebahagiaan pribadi pun harus kugadaikan….demi menebus kesalahan masa lalu….
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Raison d'être
2 Weeks....2 weeks i’ve spent my holday here in Malang. Happy?Sure I am...who doesn’t gets happy when they go back to their family;). With around 2 months left here, there’re obviously many things that I can and wanna do here.
Namun demikian....segala sesuatunya engga pernah sesuai dengan apa yang kita harapkan. Liburan panjang ini yang awalnya kuharapkan menjadi liburan yang paling seru justru malah terancam menjadi liburan yang paling membosankan dan mengenaskan....itupun jika aq tidak segera memikirkan langkah2 tuk menangkalnya.
Kenapa aq mengatakan demikian...well...many factors have led to this threat. Cuaca yang engga bersahabat jelas2 membuat kita berpikir 2 kali tuk melakukan kunjungan keluar. Bukan ujannya sih yang gw takutin....tapi efek banjir yang mungkin ditimbulkannya seperti yang telah gw bahas dalam blog gw sebelumnya.
Satu fakta lain adalah keadaan dimana sekarang temen2 gw dah pada mencar di kota2 lain tuk bekerja. Emang kondisi ini dah gw alami pas liburanq sebelumnya. Hanya saja kali ini lebih terasa aja betapa sepi ketika temen2 mencar mengadu nasib masing2. Can’t help this kinda condition. Tapi itulah kenyataan hidup...ketika tiap2 insan akan berpencar pada jalan hidup masing2 sesuai dengan apa yang diharapkan. The best we can do in this kinda of condition is to maintain our silahturahim with each other....to savor the precious times....to remember the moments together....
However, the main reason bout the problem here was due to my raison d’etre here. The main purpose for me here was honestly to fulfil a promise with a certain someone. A promise that I’ve waited for more than half a year for the time to come..a promise to fulfil my curiosity on something...but...that promise is threatened to be nothing more than a mere promise....without any realization.
This promise was my raison d’etre here. But with that kinda threat, I’m slowly losing my raison d’etre here. If so...I’m in deep trouble, not only here but also when I get back to Perth. Why?Coz I’m pretty sure I’m gonna loose spirit and motivation to finish off my last year of studies. Knowing this kinda of fate....its not like I haven’t predicted it. It’s just that I haven’t prepared any other raison d’etre asides what I first plan here.
A friend of mine said to me to not loose hope on that one promise. Something that I would really like to do. However, just clinging to that promise...it just doesn’t make sense at all. If I do cling on to that promise...I face the threat on gambling all of my hope and time...something which I certainly don’t wanna do.
Therefore....I have decided to call my wait for that promise of mine to an end. Eventhough it would come to realization...I’ll just consider it as a compliment....nothing more....nothing less.The catch is with this step....is to find another raison d’etre for me here....and for my future.
Speaking of which....I’ve been distracted by the thought on my future steps....in a more comprehensive manner. Its not like I haven’t thought of it...its just that I haven’t until now thought of it wholely and strategicly. Until now....it was just as pieces by pieces....patches to patches. But....with what I’m currently feeling right now....It is certainly the right time and moment to further put all those pieces together and think strategicly and comprehensively.
It’s quite a pity that I have to call quits to all the hope I’ve put over the past months....but on the other hand....I do feel a bit happy. Happy by the fact that I can finally step earth after putting myself in a sphere of endless dreams, illusions and hopes. What needs to be done next is to strengthen my heart, mind and soul and to not let myself ever....ever....ever again feel this kind of agony. This kind of agony is happy and enjoyable though....only if you are ready to face the consequences in a manly and proper manner....but if not....It’ll just end up as a painfull fatamorgana.
Nevertheless.... lets look forward to a new hope that I’ll be making....till later....
Namun demikian....segala sesuatunya engga pernah sesuai dengan apa yang kita harapkan. Liburan panjang ini yang awalnya kuharapkan menjadi liburan yang paling seru justru malah terancam menjadi liburan yang paling membosankan dan mengenaskan....itupun jika aq tidak segera memikirkan langkah2 tuk menangkalnya.
Kenapa aq mengatakan demikian...well...many factors have led to this threat. Cuaca yang engga bersahabat jelas2 membuat kita berpikir 2 kali tuk melakukan kunjungan keluar. Bukan ujannya sih yang gw takutin....tapi efek banjir yang mungkin ditimbulkannya seperti yang telah gw bahas dalam blog gw sebelumnya.
Satu fakta lain adalah keadaan dimana sekarang temen2 gw dah pada mencar di kota2 lain tuk bekerja. Emang kondisi ini dah gw alami pas liburanq sebelumnya. Hanya saja kali ini lebih terasa aja betapa sepi ketika temen2 mencar mengadu nasib masing2. Can’t help this kinda condition. Tapi itulah kenyataan hidup...ketika tiap2 insan akan berpencar pada jalan hidup masing2 sesuai dengan apa yang diharapkan. The best we can do in this kinda of condition is to maintain our silahturahim with each other....to savor the precious times....to remember the moments together....
However, the main reason bout the problem here was due to my raison d’etre here. The main purpose for me here was honestly to fulfil a promise with a certain someone. A promise that I’ve waited for more than half a year for the time to come..a promise to fulfil my curiosity on something...but...that promise is threatened to be nothing more than a mere promise....without any realization.
This promise was my raison d’etre here. But with that kinda threat, I’m slowly losing my raison d’etre here. If so...I’m in deep trouble, not only here but also when I get back to Perth. Why?Coz I’m pretty sure I’m gonna loose spirit and motivation to finish off my last year of studies. Knowing this kinda of fate....its not like I haven’t predicted it. It’s just that I haven’t prepared any other raison d’etre asides what I first plan here.
A friend of mine said to me to not loose hope on that one promise. Something that I would really like to do. However, just clinging to that promise...it just doesn’t make sense at all. If I do cling on to that promise...I face the threat on gambling all of my hope and time...something which I certainly don’t wanna do.
Therefore....I have decided to call my wait for that promise of mine to an end. Eventhough it would come to realization...I’ll just consider it as a compliment....nothing more....nothing less.The catch is with this step....is to find another raison d’etre for me here....and for my future.
Speaking of which....I’ve been distracted by the thought on my future steps....in a more comprehensive manner. Its not like I haven’t thought of it...its just that I haven’t until now thought of it wholely and strategicly. Until now....it was just as pieces by pieces....patches to patches. But....with what I’m currently feeling right now....It is certainly the right time and moment to further put all those pieces together and think strategicly and comprehensively.
It’s quite a pity that I have to call quits to all the hope I’ve put over the past months....but on the other hand....I do feel a bit happy. Happy by the fact that I can finally step earth after putting myself in a sphere of endless dreams, illusions and hopes. What needs to be done next is to strengthen my heart, mind and soul and to not let myself ever....ever....ever again feel this kind of agony. This kind of agony is happy and enjoyable though....only if you are ready to face the consequences in a manly and proper manner....but if not....It’ll just end up as a painfull fatamorgana.
Nevertheless.... lets look forward to a new hope that I’ll be making....till later....
Monday, December 15, 2008
Unlucky Flood
Kenapa aq nulis ini…simple….aq masih nggumun gara2 kejebak banjir terparah yang kotaku pernah rasakan…..
Can you imagine….stuck 3 hours just because you’ve got all major intersections at Malang totally flooded at the height of an adults chests??Sounds crazy since Malang is a city at high levels….but there it is….Malang got Flooded yesterday!!!
I’m not gonna talk about the flood itself…but I’m more interested in how it could have suffered from flood. Well everyone…as you know…Malang has gone some rapid development over the past 10 years lately. But the problem is….semua pembangunan itu tidak disertai dengan perencanaan yang matang dan konsisten terhadap tata ruang dan peruntukan tempat yang seharusnya dan sepantasnya.
Mengapa aq menambahkan kata2 sepantasnya??Sekarang mari kita berpikir dan mengamati….First…Mall MATOS…mall yang digadang2 sebagai mall terbesar kedua d Jatim (demikian promosinya dulu) ternyata bersebelahan dengan kuburan!!!!Sudah gitu…..mall ini letaknya di deket tempat2 pendidikan. Engga matching bangetssss!!!!!And what do you get as a bonus with that new mall…..it roads in front always gets flooded.
Second….MOG….tidak hanya menyebabkan alur lalin d jalan kawi tambah sempit gara2 ada pembatas jalan baru….tapi mall ini juga memangkas tempat2 olahraga bagi warga malang dan lahan2 hijau disekitarnya….and also certainly…..menyebabkan banjir di jalan kawi-nya!!!!
Menjamurnya ruko2….emang sih….tempat berdagang itu penting…tapi bagiku….pertumbuhan ruko2 di malang bener2 sudah diluar batas kewajaran….apa kita emang butuh hadirnya banyak ruko?Kalopun iya….kenapa ujung2nya ruko2 itu malah yg dapat orang2 kaya?Melihat fenomena ini, saya kadang terheran dengan fakta bahwa orang2 mampu masih aja sempet dapet tempat berusaha….tapi para PKL 2 d jalan2 harus bahu membahu mempertahankan eksistensinya dari kejaran tramtb setiap ada penggrebekan…singkat kata….PKL2 lbih layak membutuhkan tempat2 usaha yang permanen bagi mereka daripada ruko2 yang seringkali menggusur lahan2 hijau d kota.
Ah..entahlah…keluh kesahku akan perubahan2 negatif d kotaku engga bakalan berhenti. Namun demikian….aq senantiasa berharap kota ini bias kembali menjadi kota asri nan sejuk sebagaimana dulu dikenal oleh orang2 zaman dulu….masa dimana pagi hari masih berkabut….masa ketika pagi hari masih dingin….dan masa ketika kota ini engga pernah mengalami banjir….amin;)
Can you imagine….stuck 3 hours just because you’ve got all major intersections at Malang totally flooded at the height of an adults chests??Sounds crazy since Malang is a city at high levels….but there it is….Malang got Flooded yesterday!!!
I’m not gonna talk about the flood itself…but I’m more interested in how it could have suffered from flood. Well everyone…as you know…Malang has gone some rapid development over the past 10 years lately. But the problem is….semua pembangunan itu tidak disertai dengan perencanaan yang matang dan konsisten terhadap tata ruang dan peruntukan tempat yang seharusnya dan sepantasnya.
Mengapa aq menambahkan kata2 sepantasnya??Sekarang mari kita berpikir dan mengamati….First…Mall MATOS…mall yang digadang2 sebagai mall terbesar kedua d Jatim (demikian promosinya dulu) ternyata bersebelahan dengan kuburan!!!!Sudah gitu…..mall ini letaknya di deket tempat2 pendidikan. Engga matching bangetssss!!!!!And what do you get as a bonus with that new mall…..it roads in front always gets flooded.
Second….MOG….tidak hanya menyebabkan alur lalin d jalan kawi tambah sempit gara2 ada pembatas jalan baru….tapi mall ini juga memangkas tempat2 olahraga bagi warga malang dan lahan2 hijau disekitarnya….and also certainly…..menyebabkan banjir di jalan kawi-nya!!!!
Menjamurnya ruko2….emang sih….tempat berdagang itu penting…tapi bagiku….pertumbuhan ruko2 di malang bener2 sudah diluar batas kewajaran….apa kita emang butuh hadirnya banyak ruko?Kalopun iya….kenapa ujung2nya ruko2 itu malah yg dapat orang2 kaya?Melihat fenomena ini, saya kadang terheran dengan fakta bahwa orang2 mampu masih aja sempet dapet tempat berusaha….tapi para PKL 2 d jalan2 harus bahu membahu mempertahankan eksistensinya dari kejaran tramtb setiap ada penggrebekan…singkat kata….PKL2 lbih layak membutuhkan tempat2 usaha yang permanen bagi mereka daripada ruko2 yang seringkali menggusur lahan2 hijau d kota.
Ah..entahlah…keluh kesahku akan perubahan2 negatif d kotaku engga bakalan berhenti. Namun demikian….aq senantiasa berharap kota ini bias kembali menjadi kota asri nan sejuk sebagaimana dulu dikenal oleh orang2 zaman dulu….masa dimana pagi hari masih berkabut….masa ketika pagi hari masih dingin….dan masa ketika kota ini engga pernah mengalami banjir….amin;)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Sheer Luck
Malaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnggggggggg……I’M BACK!!!! He..he..he..he…
Akhirnya sampe juga di kota kelahiranku tercinta;)….until the next 2,5 months that is:P. Udah ngeplan kegiatan2ku dsini…Cuma kok moro2 merasa males ya:P….ah eniwei…I’ll take my time…besides….I’m not a machine that can go 100% according to plan…I’m just a human that can shift his plans and mind to his surroundings:D.
Eniwei….dengan kedatanganq d Indo aq mendapatkan suatu kabar yang cukup membuatku menunggu….nanika???Yep…my semester results;)….Lamanya waktu cukup membuatku merasa deg-deg-an akan hasil yang akan kuraih. Begitu keluar pun….mataku lekat2 menatap layar komputer dari site yg nampilin hasil itu….
Dan ternyata….I GOT THREE HIGH DISTINCTIONS!!!!WOW…..what a surprise…..a real surprise hountou ni….naze??Coz I honestly didn’t expect to get this kind of result this semester. Even though I did aime for this achievement, current progrees throughout the time made me pessimistic about the result I could get….But there it is….3 HD!!!!Alhamdulillah
Nevertheless….By looking at the marks of the results and how I got it until this point….I can only say that I achived it through sheer luck…..why??Lots of reasons to start with. First is the work load. The units this semester were honestly out of my thoughts. Even though it looked easy, earning the marks were not. The Lecturer’s this semester were kinda not keen on giving out good marks. That’s why when I received my series of mid semester results from various assignments, I was pretty much sure that I would fail my aim….which in the end it didn’t.
Next thing…too much chatting….:(. Honestly…I should be doing more serious things rather than chat on the web. Looks nice once your into it..but it eats up our precious time(. Damn luckt that the coming of ramadhan broke the seemingly neverending pace of my chatting. If not…who knows how much damage it would cause to my studies here. However, even though I managed to end the pace, the damage has already been felt in the start of semester. This then caused myself not putting proper attention to the planning and start of the semester.
Tired….One word to describe how hectic this semester was. With the fact that I added my working hours made my time to study almost gone. Therefore, I had to squeeze out the idle time I had to do my studies. It might sound got but without enough buffer time…it just feels quite boring…especially when you’re not in the mood for studying. End thought ….I really need to tighten up my time management next semester so my schedule doesn’t go haywire suddenly.
End result….I need to pay attention and not do the same mistakes next semester. Next term would obviously be more harder so I need to look around and stay vigilant on my studies…after all…I’am aiming for 4 high distinctions this time:D. Hope I can stay firm and keep my cool so that my aime would come to realization…aminB-)
Akhirnya sampe juga di kota kelahiranku tercinta;)….until the next 2,5 months that is:P. Udah ngeplan kegiatan2ku dsini…Cuma kok moro2 merasa males ya:P….ah eniwei…I’ll take my time…besides….I’m not a machine that can go 100% according to plan…I’m just a human that can shift his plans and mind to his surroundings:D.
Eniwei….dengan kedatanganq d Indo aq mendapatkan suatu kabar yang cukup membuatku menunggu….nanika???Yep…my semester results;)….Lamanya waktu cukup membuatku merasa deg-deg-an akan hasil yang akan kuraih. Begitu keluar pun….mataku lekat2 menatap layar komputer dari site yg nampilin hasil itu….
Dan ternyata….I GOT THREE HIGH DISTINCTIONS!!!!WOW…..what a surprise…..a real surprise hountou ni….naze??Coz I honestly didn’t expect to get this kind of result this semester. Even though I did aime for this achievement, current progrees throughout the time made me pessimistic about the result I could get….But there it is….3 HD!!!!Alhamdulillah
Nevertheless….By looking at the marks of the results and how I got it until this point….I can only say that I achived it through sheer luck…..why??Lots of reasons to start with. First is the work load. The units this semester were honestly out of my thoughts. Even though it looked easy, earning the marks were not. The Lecturer’s this semester were kinda not keen on giving out good marks. That’s why when I received my series of mid semester results from various assignments, I was pretty much sure that I would fail my aim….which in the end it didn’t.
Next thing…too much chatting….:(. Honestly…I should be doing more serious things rather than chat on the web. Looks nice once your into it..but it eats up our precious time(. Damn luckt that the coming of ramadhan broke the seemingly neverending pace of my chatting. If not…who knows how much damage it would cause to my studies here. However, even though I managed to end the pace, the damage has already been felt in the start of semester. This then caused myself not putting proper attention to the planning and start of the semester.
Tired….One word to describe how hectic this semester was. With the fact that I added my working hours made my time to study almost gone. Therefore, I had to squeeze out the idle time I had to do my studies. It might sound got but without enough buffer time…it just feels quite boring…especially when you’re not in the mood for studying. End thought ….I really need to tighten up my time management next semester so my schedule doesn’t go haywire suddenly.
End result….I need to pay attention and not do the same mistakes next semester. Next term would obviously be more harder so I need to look around and stay vigilant on my studies…after all…I’am aiming for 4 high distinctions this time:D. Hope I can stay firm and keep my cool so that my aime would come to realization…aminB-)
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