Raison d'être

2 Weeks....2 weeks i’ve spent my holday here in Malang. Happy?Sure I am...who doesn’t gets happy when they go back to their family;). With around 2 months left here, there’re obviously many things that I can and wanna do here.

Namun demikian....segala sesuatunya engga pernah sesuai dengan apa yang kita harapkan. Liburan panjang ini yang awalnya kuharapkan menjadi liburan yang paling seru justru malah terancam menjadi liburan yang paling membosankan dan mengenaskan....itupun jika aq tidak segera memikirkan langkah2 tuk menangkalnya.

Kenapa aq mengatakan demikian...well...many factors have led to this threat. Cuaca yang engga bersahabat jelas2 membuat kita berpikir 2 kali tuk melakukan kunjungan keluar. Bukan ujannya sih yang gw takutin....tapi efek banjir yang mungkin ditimbulkannya seperti yang telah gw bahas dalam blog gw sebelumnya.

Satu fakta lain adalah keadaan dimana sekarang temen2 gw dah pada mencar di kota2 lain tuk bekerja. Emang kondisi ini dah gw alami pas liburanq sebelumnya. Hanya saja kali ini lebih terasa aja betapa sepi ketika temen2 mencar mengadu nasib masing2. Can’t help this kinda condition. Tapi itulah kenyataan hidup...ketika tiap2 insan akan berpencar pada jalan hidup masing2 sesuai dengan apa yang diharapkan. The best we can do in this kinda of condition is to maintain our silahturahim with each other....to savor the precious times....to remember the moments together....

However, the main reason bout the problem here was due to my raison d’etre here. The main purpose for me here was honestly to fulfil a promise with a certain someone. A promise that I’ve waited for more than half a year for the time to come..a promise to fulfil my curiosity on something...but...that promise is threatened to be nothing more than a mere promise....without any realization.

This promise was my raison d’etre here. But with that kinda threat, I’m slowly losing my raison d’etre here. If so...I’m in deep trouble, not only here but also when I get back to Perth. Why?Coz I’m pretty sure I’m gonna loose spirit and motivation to finish off my last year of studies. Knowing this kinda of fate....its not like I haven’t predicted it. It’s just that I haven’t prepared any other raison d’etre asides what I first plan here.

A friend of mine said to me to not loose hope on that one promise. Something that I would really like to do. However, just clinging to that promise...it just doesn’t make sense at all. If I do cling on to that promise...I face the threat on gambling all of my hope and time...something which I certainly don’t wanna do.

Therefore....I have decided to call my wait for that promise of mine to an end. Eventhough it would come to realization...I’ll just consider it as a compliment....nothing more....nothing less.The catch is with this step....is to find another raison d’etre for me here....and for my future.

Speaking of which....I’ve been distracted by the thought on my future steps....in a more comprehensive manner. Its not like I haven’t thought of it...its just that I haven’t until now thought of it wholely and strategicly. Until now....it was just as pieces by pieces....patches to patches. But....with what I’m currently feeling right now....It is certainly the right time and moment to further put all those pieces together and think strategicly and comprehensively.

It’s quite a pity that I have to call quits to all the hope I’ve put over the past months....but on the other hand....I do feel a bit happy. Happy by the fact that I can finally step earth after putting myself in a sphere of endless dreams, illusions and hopes. What needs to be done next is to strengthen my heart, mind and soul and to not let myself ever....ever....ever again feel this kind of agony. This kind of agony is happy and enjoyable though....only if you are ready to face the consequences in a manly and proper manner....but if not....It’ll just end up as a painfull fatamorgana.

Nevertheless.... lets look forward to a new hope that I’ll be making....till later....